jaso's world

reflections on my old man

9/10/22


i've been writing this thing for about five months now. rewriting sentences, deleting paragraphs, giving up and starting over all over again whenever i feel like what i feel now. it's not sadness, it's something else. melancholy? loss? grief? i don't really know how to describe this feeling. i am not really sure what to say about the current state of my relationship with my old man. i last saw him around this time a year ago. i confronted him directly on his drug addiction. his abuse to my family. my suicide attempt because of him. i have troubling remembering the details of this conversation, i just know that it was the last moment i will likely see him face to face. he left soon after. after the storm of phone calls, counseling, and litigations, he was officially out of my life. i dont know where he is or even if he's even alive at this point. it doesn’t matter. the ties have been cut. the questions unanswered. but i am still here lying down half naked on my shitty dorm mattress with a faint violet light illuminating the dark room. it's an unbearably bleak world. 


...


ambiguous loss is a complicated thing. sometime ago i was at a party where i drunkingly explained to some friends about how my dad died, but later poorly explained how he wasn’t really dead. it didnt feel right to say the word death aloud.


i was walking back from a club meeting today when i saw a mother and two children exit a uber at the back of frary. the kids were small, maybe a couple years apart, the mother struggling to carry the car seat and bags out of the car trunk. as i continued walking i heard the younger kid scream something along the lines of “thank you mr uber driver, your car was very comfortable.” the mom starting giggling and the three stormed off in a hurry. i couldnt help but smile as i continued to walk to my dorm. i thought about my childhood when i heard this kid speak. my mom always told me that i loved talking to strangers. when we were much younger, i would sit at random tables at restaurants and talk to the helpless customer. mom always told me i was alot like my father in that regard, always one to talk to everyone. i rushed back to my dorm and grabbed coffee with a friend.


coming back home this summer felt odd. everyone seemed happier. i slept in my childhood bed without any interruptions, bad thoughts, or yelling. 



i woke up the next day.



drink slowly; sip loudly

5/16/22


i bought an aeropress a couple of months ago. i was missing my fixing of dirty chai lattes back at home and the aeropress seemed like the simpliest solution to producing some sort of strong, espresso-like, coffee. i have absolutely fallen in love with my aeropress simply because of how stupid simple it is to make coffee with it. here's a drink i've been enjoying a lot, courtesy of elle roc!


honey cinnamon latte

                                                 grind 18 grams of coffee beans (fine-ish)

                 add ground coffee to aeropress with filter

                           add 90 grams of hot water (200° fahrenheit) to aeropress

      stir 30 times, wait for 2 minutes

                                                          press slowly into cup

      add a large dash of cinnamon

                                and a smaller (optional) dash of ground cardamom

           add honey, anywhere from 25-30 grams

                                                       heat and froth oat milk (around 350 grams)

                             add frothed milk to coffee

                                                                              top with extra cinnamon


drink slowly; sip loudly


i associate a lot of memories with this drink


cold mornings


quiet claremont


grey sky


beautiful world


drink slowly; sip loudly

growing up in the time of depression

4/8/22


i recently come to terms with something last summer while in therapy: i have been depressed for my entire life. not in the sense of having every waking moment be obfuscated and obstructed by depression, but rather having it loom in the background and peaking into the foreground as things got rough. when i was younger (and even now) it was very hard for me to put this feeling into words. 


it was weird growing up. for many reasons other than growing up depressed. growing up trans. growing up queer. growing up online. 

recently a friend asked me how i get out of a funk and honestly i didnt know how to truly respond. ive been in many different bouts of depression and still find myself struggling. but more than ever do i find myself hopeful for my future during times of depression. 


whats changed? therapy? antidepressants? loose ends tied? acceptance?optimistic nihilism?


i am not too sure, i think thas the entire theme of this site. me not knowing but wanting to write. thats how i approach a lot of things in my life.

the golden milk fish

4/6/22


before reading, i recommend you play this song while you read.


i keep doing this thing where i relisten to one song over and over again until i burn myself out for a solid couple of months and then slowly rediscover the song all over again. this is how i feel about the fish song by underscores. the fish song is a beautifully minimal track amidst the energetic bombastic fishmonger  (2021).  


the song is about the life (and eventual death) of the incredibly rare golden milkfish, found in 2012  in the philippines. the fish was donated to the bureau of fisheries and aquatic resources and became a sort of icon among the fishmongers in the philippines. 

the fish was a loner and would detach itself from the rest of the pond. the scientists were planning on breeding the rare fish, but the fish ended up passing away only a couple of months later due to incredible stress and a broken sandy water filter. 


 i spent alot of yesterday looking into the story of the golden milk fish and exploring the meanings behind the song within the context of the album. what does the song mean? whatever you want it to mean. one interpretation i love comes from the youtube comment section of the song and it reads as follows 

from what other people said, it is kinda framed like a child getting excited about finding a really cool fish and simply wanting the best for the fish, showing that wonder and soft feeling that many children carry. the child wants to ensure the fish is safe, so it is given to adults in hope they will do that. in reality, by giving it to them, the fish had become stressed and passed. the adults had taken something so beautiful and in little effort, taken away that beauty and kept that truth hidden. the ending reminds me of that denial the child faces when finding the adult has lied, or when that child finally finds the truth, and how many try to deny the reality, but it sadly has taken from them.


i love you golden milk fish.

a (lukewarm) introduction

4/5/22


hello! my name is jaso and this is my blog thing. i hesitate to call this a blog because blog makes it sound really polished and professional. maybe public diary? that also sounds weird. i don't really know what this will become but ive wanted to host a little place on the internet where i can write random stuff and post art that i usually dont make public. 


ill be updating this page somewhat frequently and will post on my instagram story whenever there is an update. i've been really into the idea of temporality in media and i think i want to do something like that for this blog. rn i am thinking that every blogpost on this site will be temporary and will be removed when a new post comes through. maybe ill also add in an archive of old posts later down the line. it would also be cool to have a commenting feature but i dont think google sites has that as a thing lol. 


no fucking shot im gonna be 30 bucks a month for a squarespace site ... you think i am made of money? no lol.


update 4/6 - yeah nvm im not gonna delete blog posts, i now kinda like the idea of endlessly scrolling to read older posts lol